Life Is A Shitty Pizza

…or at least, life is a shitty pizza when you can’t control your drinking. When you stop drinking – life is a really awesome pizza.

I’m evidently not the best at coming up with analogies. Allow me to explain…

When you are a problem drinker, your life will always have a proportion of chaos. This chaos manifests itself as blackouts, missed appointments, problems at work, bad decisions, unnecessary arguments, bad relationships, and money worries. In a world of chaos you’re probably going to make a pretty shitty pizza. Your base will be a stupid shape, you’ll forget ingredients (you idiot), and you’ll probably get the passata all down your trousers. You’ll settle for bad quality toppings, like beans and processed ham from a packet. All of these small parts, pulled together in chaos, will finally produce a totally shitty pizza.

In a sober world you’ll be completely present and engaged for the whole pizza making process. You’ll make sure your pizza will be epic, because you’ll be pulling together the best ingredients, and following the recipe to the letter. There’ll be no corners cut, or gaps in the process. When that bastard comes out of the oven it will be one tasty motherfucker. You probably even used Tesco Finest peppadew peppers on it, you smooth bastard.

The same applies to life in general. When you’re sober then every decision is made with full consideration, and believe me – things get so much easier when you’re not booby-trapping yourself by leaving yourself skint, or waking up to nasty situations that you drunkenly created for yourself.


Badly conceived analogy

Now, at 16 months sober, I still surprise myself with just how much can be achieved when you’re not sabotaging yourself every weekend. I’ve always been in the habit of making tons of to-do lists at work – because when I was drinking I needed a way of reminding myself on Monday morning what it was I was doing at work last week. The weekend’s boozing would kill my short term memory, and so I never really managed to carry anything forwards with momentum. Nowadays I have to remind myself that I don’t need a list – my brain is no longer a leaky sponge! I’ve also noticed that my ability to remember things gets better with time. It’s almost like I’m starting to develop my memory all over again, but that’s cool. There’s no point worrying about the lost years.

If there’s one final pizza advice I’d like to impart, it’s that shitty puns cheapen your blog.



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