Coming Out

What’s scarier than finding out your mum has been reading your recovery blog, full of nasty stories about what a twat you’ve spent your whole life being?


But it’s cool. I spoke to her on the phone, and the good news is she supports the blog and understands why I write it. There was the initial jolt of HOLYFUK MY SON IS A MONSTER CALL THE FIRE PEOPLE AND THE ZOO KEEPER AND A PRIEST AND EVERYONE WHAT HAVE I DONE WHAT HAVE I DONE but it’s fine. Continue reading


SoberPunks T-shirts Now Available

Support your favourite sweary booze blog by buying one of these smashing t-shirts, available in either black with white print, or white with black print. I’m currently only stocking Small / Med / Large / XL – but drop me a message if you need other sizes.

OI LISTEN MATE – Free postage is UK only. If you’re abroad then feel free to buy a shirt, but please send an extra £4 to cover the extra shipping costs.
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SoberPunks Interview: Johnny Ultraviolence

Johnny Ultraviolence is a legend in the circles in which I move. Those among us with a penchant for extreme music – specifically the melding of punk attitude and rap with hard-hitting techno and gabber – will undoubtedly hold a soft spot for this man and the noisy gifts he brought us back in the 90s. Known simply as ULTRAVIOLENCE, he was one of the first guys to ever get electronic dance music into the hearts and minds of balls-to-the-wall rock fans, and even scored a tour with bald vegetable-enthusiast Moby in the process, as well as peaking the interest of some big record labels – signing a deal with well known Nottingham heavy metal record label Earache Records. Continue reading

Alcoholics Anomalous

Despite the most widely-known way of maintaining sobriety being ardent AA attendance, I’m surprised by how few of the sober people I talk to have actually had success with Alcoholics Anonymous. Most have tried it, but almost none have felt the need to stick with it. This could be for any number of reasons, including me just talking to the wrong people, but certainly my own experiences with AA weren’t anything hugely groundbreaking or inspiring; the whole “higher power” thing felt a bit preachy, and the general approach of sitting around with old men drinking coffee and talking about “feelings” (pffft) felt like it needed a bit of updating – if not only to appeal more to the younger booze-hounds. After all – the earlier people recognise a problem and get help, the less further down that path of destruction they will have traveled. In other words: The less fucked your Ford Fiesta is, the easier it will be to unfuck it. Especially if it’s a cylinder head gasket issue mate. Okay.

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Scott Pilgrim Vs. The Booze

When I got married last September, my best man Ben and his lovely missus Hattie bought us the coolest of wedding gifts – a private cinema screening of Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, which is one of mine and Emma’s favourite movies to watch together. Actually, it’s pretty much the only movie we both agree on. I like PROPER films like Goodfellas and Pulp Fiction and Kickboxer – stuff where folk get to kick the fuck out of each other and shoot big guns – and she likes obscure Japanese romcoms with bizarre theme tunes that sound like kids sweetie adverts. Continue reading

How To Stop The ‘Fuck-Its’

A few days ago I was on Facebook looking for bad grammar to correct, and other things to feel smug about (what of it??) when a picture popped up, posted by a mate who was sat on a train in Manchester. The picture was innocent enough – I think he was waiting for the choo-choo to leave the station and take him to a faraway rock gig or whatever – but the thing that caught my eye, even caused a sudden jolt to pass through my knackers, was the open can of Boddingtons Bitter sat on the table at the bottom of the picture.

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Vodka Orange: A Cautionary Tale For Parents

There was a point, around 20 years ago, when I’d just turned 18 and I did the whole ‘rite of passage’ thing where you go out with your parents for your first ‘legal’ drink in a pub. Obviously it was a long time ago, and I’ve spent a lot of time in the 20 years since pickling my brain with all sorts of interesting beverages, but from what I can remember it was a local pub (oop narth) with my mum and my stepdad, and after a few pints and some scran we ended up back at home. At this point I’d usually disappear out of the door to meet my current lady-friend, or up to my bedroom to blast some loud sweary music, but my lovely mum – ever pleasant and encouraging, even when faced with a pretentious little pube of a son – invited me to join them downstairs for a post-pub drink and a bit of Saturday night telly.

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You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take

I fucking love this little quote, which famously fell from the lips of legendary ice hockey superstar Wayne Gretzky. Or maybe it was his trainer who uttered it? The details are sketchy, but either way – when used in the context of sports – it’s a cool little line to throw out. In fact, it works pretty well outside of sports too. All it means, in the most basic terms, is that you’ll never achieve without trying. Even if your only aspiration is to win the lottery (you fat lazy money-grabber) then that suddenly becomes a lot less realistic if you don’t buy a ticket. Gotta be in it to win it.

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How To Punch 2018 In The Face

Last year, just before New Years Eve, I wrote a blog post called How To Grab 2017 By The Balls which talked about getting the best out of the new year by STOPPING DRINKING and STARTING RUNNING. This year, based on my experiences over 2017, my flaky advice for making 2018 your bitch is as follows:

  1. Find something new to be passionate about
  2. Do stuff that scares you

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