Sober Festivalling: Surviving The Messy Twats In Bucket Hats

Man! It’s been a LONG time since I’ve found a spare minute to do some writing. Let me tell you a bit about what I’ve been up to:

  • Trying to buy a house. Been trying since Xmas. Still trying. Fuck estate agents, and absolutely FUCK solicitors. All of them. In their buttholes. Forever and ever. Amen.
  • Working. Always. On projects at work, and projects at home. Until eventually I will die and then (maybe) I can stop working.
  • Running and climbing. I’ve climbed 2 or 3 times per week since I first discovered it about 4 years ago, and I’ll probably always climb because I fucking love that shit, but RUNNING I totally fell out with last year after doing a few half marathons and then getting dismayed with the amount of training needed to increase my fitness – so I quit, got fat, got upset about being fat, and now I’m BACK baby. And actually, I’ve really missed it – not just the fitness aspect, but also it’s nice to get 30 minutes alone with your thoughts whilst you pound the pavements. I use this time to ponder the important questions in life, like WHY DID I CALL MY TEACHER ‘MUM’ THAT TIME WHEN I WAS TWELVE AND THE WHOLE CLASS HEARD ME GAHHHH.
  • Eating. Hence the return to running.
  • Telly. Watching and re-watching the holy quaternity of comedy programmes:
  • Gigs. Not got to as many gigs as I usually do, but HOLY GLITTERY SHITBALLS we saw Rammstein at our local arena a few months back and the German bastards blew my cock and balls RIGHT OFF and also singed my pubes too with their massive flamethrowers. There’s just a burned, bloody stump there now.
  • Weddings. It’s been awesome to see a couple of old mates get hitched, and I managed to survive both weddings completely sober. BOOM.
  • Waiting. For the British ice hockey season to start again. I am so excite. So, so excite.

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D.O.A: Sober Firsts Of A Proper Punk Rocker

You guys might remember that a couple of years back I interviewed Mike Hodsall, British-born bass guitarist extraordinaire for legendary Canadian punkers D.O.A, here on this very website (you can read the interview HERE). Well, since then Mike has pushed forwards fiercely with his sober-journey, and is currently within a pube-width of nailing his 3 year soberversary!! Mike is a fucking top dude, and as a proper balls-to-the-wall-punker-gone-sober-but-still-killing-it he’s a genuine card-carrying authority on how to live life PROPERLY and with NO COMPROMISES. I’m therefore turbo-chuffed that Mike chose SoberPunks as his means by which to share his musings about getting sober with the world. Put on your helmet, grab the lube, and brace yourself. It’s Mike time…

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Sobriety & Empathy: The Motorway Tailgating Paradox

Picture the scene…

It’s Monday evening, 17:30, and you’ve just joined the traffic on the M1 motorway to make your journey home after a fucking horrendous day at work. You spent the weekend hitting the booze hard (like Oliver Reed on his birthday hard), and as a result you’re still hanging like a bastard, and the lack of proper sleep has made you cranky and irritable. Your stomach’s rumbling because you stayed in bed this morning until the last possible moment, negating any possibility of you having time to pack your usual sad little cheese sandwich and bag of Seabrook Beefy, and your car’s engine management light has just come on, looking like a bright yellow Xmas illumination against the grey, dreary, grim backdrop of the motorway on such a cold, drizzly night. Continue reading

Join The NEW SoberPunks Gang!

Hi everyone,

This isn’t really a proper blog post, but rather an invitation to join our new Facebook group SOBERPUNKS GANG.

The idea is simple – it’s a group aimed solely at people who are either sober, or trying to get sober, and who need a place to connect with other people in the same boat. The group was set up a couple of weeks ago, and we already have over 200 members – with lots of good discussion and debate going on. Lot’s of really REALLY terrible jokes and memes on there too. Continue reading

Sobriety & Ducks: Becoming A Proper Human

The office where I work, tucked away on a pleasant little industrial estate in Northampton, is surrounded by natural beauty. The area itself is called ‘The Lakes’, which gives you an idea of what to expect, and one amazing side effect of it’s location is that we get an abundance of wildlife – more than you would ever expect to see so close to busy roads and office buildings. Continue reading

Woken Up In A Bush With No Trousers? Here’s Your ‘QUITTING BOOZE DAY ONE ACTION PLAN’

Okay, so last night you REALLY fucked up. You’ve woken up in a bad place – possibly both mentally (oh the paranoia!) and geographically (wtf why am I in a zoo!) – and you’ve finally decided that enough is enough. The booze buzz is more hassle than it’s worth. You’ve ruined too many relationships, wasted too much money, knocked over too many tables, bruised too many knees, and shagged too many mingers. Continue reading

I Couldn’t Really Help It, I Was Pissed Out Of My Head

There’s a lot written about the benefits of sobriety. Indeed, I’m personally responsible for contributing towards this ever-growing pile of woolly guff; endless reams of words spewing from laptops all over the world, about how stopping drinking will clear up your spotty skin, and help you lose 5 stone in 3 months, and turn you from debt-ridden scum into a highly respected business magnate overnight. There’s the health benefits, the financial benefits, the brain-sharpening benefits, the depression-killing benefits. Being sober will help you to work harder, to shag better, to live longer, and to look handsomer (it’s a real word, I googled it). People have published books about this shit. They’ve made TV programmes and podcasts. Businesses have been founded, and are now thriving, which focus solely on sharing the good word of sober living. It’s like a magic pill that fixes everything! Everyone in the world of sobriety wants to shout about their new lifestyle, their new look. HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT WHAT SOBRIETY CAN TURN YOU INTO! LOOK AT MY SUITCASE OF MONEY! CHECK OUT MY SOFT HAIR! But let’s not forget, amidst this pink mire of yoga trousers, ultra-marathon runners, and vegan cookbooks, one of the most primal and basic benefits that quitting drinking can bring; the one benefit that is quite often the catalyst for a lifetime of sobriety. That one golden nugget for which we all strive, and which only sobriety can truly bring us…

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SoberPunks Interview: Legendary Techno DJ Mark EG

Until recently I knew very little of Mark EG:

  1. He’s a DJ that makes ferociously POUNDING tunes
  2. He’s from Leeds (oi oi! Up the northerners! Etc…)
  3. Looks like a fucking possessed nutter behind the decks

In years gone by I’ve occasionally found myself, in various states of inebriation, staggering around dancefloors at his shows whilst dribbling into my pint. This has definitely happened in Leeds, definitely in London, and potentially at a club in Liverpool. I’m not sure why I’ve only seen him in places that start with L. Continue reading

Guest Blog: The Six Months Sober Spanish Señorita

A couple of weeks ago I received a lovely email from one of my readers, a Spanish lady who has proudly reached her six month sobriety milestone after a few false starts. And proud she should be! Those first six months are probably the toughest, but also the most rewarding to get through, with the mad nightmares and beer cravings finally starting to subside, and the fog of a brain battered by perpetual hangovers beginning to lift.

Keen to mark this occasion she asked if she could write a guest blog for SoberPunks, and share her story with all of you fellow sweaty man-babies.

I said NO, but she threatened to come round and kick the fuck out of me – so here it is, completely unedited for full Spanish effect:

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Quitting Booze Successfully: A Paradoxical Wanky Climbing Analogy

It’s now been a month since I had my balls mangled, and everything is pretty much back to normal down there. I’ve got a couple of empty cups at home that need spunking in and emptying into a post box for a doctor to taste (“mmm yes that tastes lovely, and I’m glad to report it’s sperm free”), but that’s not due until September.

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